Six ways to invest like a crazy person

Let's take a trip to crazy town, shall we, and imagine that you want to guarantee yourself a place among the poorest retirees. If you did want to blow up your money as quickly as possible and ensure that your future investments fail, what would be the most efficient way to do it?

1. Don't save. You're never going to reach the poverty line if more money is coming in than going out. The trick is to overspend, and – better yet – use credit cards. Visit the casino as often as possible, and remember: having a financial plan or budget is for wimps. Just wing it from here.

2. Don't buy productive assets. Ok, so you accidentally accumulate some savings. Now what? Leave it all in cash – inflation will ensure that it's worth a little less each year. Don't shop around for low fees, and avoid high-interest online savings accounts. Who wants that bonus interest anyway?  

3. If you do invest, put all your eggs in one basket. The lack of diversification will expose you to extra company-specific risks. A low-quality miner, small biotech or 'The Uber of ____' should do the trick. And bet the farm – there's no surer way to end up with no farm at all.

Definitely steer clear of broadly diversified, low-cost index funds, which consistently outperform active managers. It's better to choose a fund manger based entirely on their most recent quarterly performance (while you're at it, ignore fees too). Or why not try your hand at macro predictions and trade currencies, gold and oil? Do you know many rich economists? Exactly.

4. Use debt, lots of debt. Anything to give you extra leverage so that losses are quickly magnified. Complex instruments like margin loans and CFDs work best because the provider can force you to sell at precisely the wrong time. If it doesn't come with a 200-page product disclosure statement, you're not trying hard enough. Also, short stocks to your heart's content – the chance of infinite losses doesn't come around every day.

5. Follow the herd and your emotions. Embrace cognitive biases such as anchoring and loss aversion. Be sure to watch the business news regularly, especially the parts where they recommend what to buy, that way everyone else has bid up the price by the time you turn on your computer. Market panics are the best time to sell. Safety in numbers, right?

6. Trade, trade, trade! The more often you trade, the quicker brokerage expenses will clock up. You'll also have many more trading decisions that you'll need to get right. Plus, regular trading means you won't have the taxman working in your favour. Who needs those capital gains tax discounts or franking credits?

It's all about timing, not fundamentals. And, above all, just focus on what you have to gain – the downside will take care of itself.