What readers will and won't see writ large next year

Every year I go to The Age Christmas party.
By · 7 Dec 2013
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7 Dec 2013
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Every year I go to The Age Christmas party.

As every journalist knows, Fairfax is famous for its largesse, so every year I take along a case of European beer to take the edge off the cask wine and to reward some of the most intelligent, hardworking and unappreciated editors in the country for keeping my articles on the straight and narrow.

I always feel a little out of place wearing enclosed shoes and a suit and tie but the case of imported beer generally goes down well and distracts the editorial staff for long enough to allow me to start roaming the room and idly hitting the odd enter key on their Commodore 64s to see what headlines they have typeset in the business section for the year ahead.

So "no names no pack drill", stand by your beds, here are some of the business headlines for 2014:

■Janet Yellen pushes the tapering timetable out until the second half of 2015 adding the moniker 'Chicken' to Doves and Hawks .

■US sharemarket hits all-time high as US national debt hits all-time high.

■Markets yawn at last-minute extension of the debt ceiling, the 75th since March 1962.

■The Chinese PMI number comes in at 50.6, unchanged from 50.6 versus 50.6 the previous month.

■Major banks quote "challenging" conditions as they report record combined profits of $30b for the year or $1300 of profit per man, woman and child in Australia.

■Mrs Bambang Yudhoyono succeeds Blofeld as head of SPECTRE and holds world to ransom with nuclear bombs. Agent "Budgie Smugglers" defuses warheads as Mrs B. escapes Indonesia by boat and lives happily ever after in Australia.

■Mario Draghi says "we will do whatever it takes", and continues to do nothing.

■Aussie hits US60¢ as Australia resumes its position in the world as a backwater economy accounting for just 2 per cent of global GDP.

■Iron ore hits $200 a tonne as Rio and Vale cancel iron ore expansions triggering global shortage.

■Woolworths buys Dick Smith Holdings for $1b.

■Saputo buys Warrnambool Cheese and Butter from the Murray Goulburn receivers. It expects synergy benefits of $100m a year from the integration of WCB with its Bega business unit.

■Telstra shareholders shocked as government reneges on $11b of NBN payments.

Then there were a few other headlines under other categories.


■Billionaires make money investing in media stocks.

■Broker says buy on small company and doesn't have a corporate relationship.

■Biotech share price spikes and company has no doesn't have a capital raising.

■CBA issues hybrid note and doesn't double the size of the issue in response to demand.

■Broker lists and there isn't a GFC a month later.

■Mum and dad investors gets 100% of requested firm allocation in IPO and it lists at a premium.

■Private placement in small stock at deep discount doesn't go to MD, his broker and mates.

■Innocent customer attends free seminar and isn't subjected to a hard-core sales pitch.

■Online sharemarket product doesn't use Warren Buffett quotes in their marketing.

■Forex trader starting with just $10,000 in their trading account earns between $100,000 to $1,000,000 a year trading just five hours a week as they let their computer do all the work.


■Global interest rates stay at zero.

■ Safe income theme continues as term deposit rates plateau at 2.5%.

■Cyclical stocks top the performance tables as US and Europe see year of recovery.

■All mid-cap financial services companies exposed to the superannuation sector are bid for as the superannuation guarantee underwrites 12 per cent legislated growth in the next decade.

■Australian housing market continues to make progress as mortgage rates hit all-time low.

■Health and retirement stocks continue to perform as baby boomers underwrite fortunes.


■ABC starts business program Inside Super hosted by Marcus Padley.

■News Corp buys Marcus Today newsletter for $31m.


■Broker wins Walkley Award for best column in The Age business section.

That's me done for the year. Have a great Christmas and I'll see you all next year.

Marcus Padley is the author of the sharemarket newsletter Marcus Today.
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