If only our actions were pre-medicated

Barking mad behaviour is everywhere you look.

Barking mad behaviour is everywhere you look.

America's psychiatrists are expanding the list of official mental illnesses in the new edition of The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, with the result that about a fifth of the population can now be medicated. Oh, happy times ? particularly for the pharmaceutical industry. But have they gone far enough? Perhaps the American Psychiatric Association could consider the barking mad behaviour I see all around me.

Forgetting to wear pants disorder A tragic disease targeting young women, particularly those who are busy balancing work and life. First thing in the morning, they slip on a pair of tights or leggings - then forget to add a pair of pants or a dress. Surely we need a mandatory warning on all tights: ''Warning - undergarment only!''

Midweek drinking disorder The inability to correctly assess the size of glassware, whereby a pledge to ''only have one glass of wine on weekdays'' involves a drinking vessel so large that half the production of the Hunter can be guzzled in one go, all the time assuring others: ''I've only had the - hic - one.''

Poverty delusion syndrome A common disorder in Australia in which people on incomes of $100,000 a year believe they are poor and deserve welfare payments, home-buyer grants and even a rebate on their health insurance. In severe cases, this sense of grievance may spread to other stresses of middle-class life, such as the length of the queue for macarons outside Adriano Zumbo's shop in Balmain and the high price of a chardonnay at the Sydney Opera House. Sufferers can be spotted in the relevant queue, muttering: ''Why doesn't the Gillard government do something!'' and ''It's virtually class warfare.''

Twitter friendship disorder This is the belief that you have finally, after all these years, been allowed to hang out with the cool kids. Brutal reality: Stephen Fry still wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.

Second child photographic problem This is the inability of parents to take anywhere near the same number of photos of their second child as of their first. With the third child, things get so bad the only record of the child's existence is a flash of leg in a photo of the dog. Cure: none. Solution: label half the photos of the first child with the names of subsequent children.

Sat-nav meekness disorder This is where a driver is dominated by their sat-nav, meekly following instructions they know to be wrong - into rivers, over washed-out bridges and from Wahroonga to Turramurra via Penrith - just to avoid hearing her stern but hurt voice saying: ''Turn around when possible.''

Checking the Telstra share price syndrome Sad wasting disease faced by middle-aged men in which they relentlessly put the Telstra code - TLS - into the little box in the business section of smh.com.au in order to waste time at work. Yes, they are bored - but is there utility in checking the price of something that was bought five years ago and won't be sold until 18 months after you die?

Petrol docket obsession disorder A peculiar Australian syndrome in which people are willing to pay $50 over the odds for their groceries and then drive 20 kilometres out of their way, all in order to receive $2 off a tank of petrol.

Internet innocence syndrome This is the belief that groovy, modern companies such as Facebook and Apple will be groovy and modern in their attitude to their customers and workers. Truth: the attitude would have been better at the state rail complaints counter in 1963.

Body ''awemorphic'' disorder A delusion suffered by 45-year-old men who, upon looking in the mirror in the morning, are struck by the powerful thought: ''Ummmm, not bad.'' Later, sucking in the belly and posing in front of the full-length mirror, a different thought will strike: ''Better than 'not bad', I'd say 'superb' .'' In serious cases, it may be associated with the wearing of Speedos on the beach.

Caffeine-related disorder The belief that others are interested in knowing what sort of coffee you order and in your opinion of the barista up the road compared with the one down the road. Remember: it's a hot beverage, not a window into the soul. At least the extra shot provided by the guy up the road may help others stay awake during your lengthy description of the almost erotic nature of his ''grind''.

Technology fear syndrome It is only fair to admit to my own mental disorder: a fear of technology that would make King Ludd look like a tech-head. Thus: no microwave (they give you cancer); mobile phone nearly always left behind (they give you cancer); and home telephone fitted with a 10-metre cable (otherwise we would have a cordless - and they give you cancer). At this rate, I'll be Amish by June.

Still, what progress! With the help of the American Psychiatric Association, pretty much all human behaviour now has an official, sympathetic-sounding label. This is all madness gone politically correct.

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