The rules and guidelines of engagement

From the outset, there are just seven seconds in which to make the right first impression on someone.

A limp handshake, an overly zealous corporate hug or introducing yourself with a mouthful of free canaps at a business function make for inauspicious beginnings.

Getting business etiquette right is a matter of steering a neutral course, and being mindful of popular pet peeves and expectations, insists Danielle Di-Masi, who's in the business of teaching Australia's corporate leaders how not to open their mouths to change feet.

In the following discussion, Di-Masi gives Julian Lorkin of Knowledge@Australian School of Business the lowdown on network know-how, meeting maneouvres and how the perfect handshake may only be acquired through private practice.

Knowledge@Australian School of Business: We're told that business etiquette is vital, but why? What happens if we don't use the right business etiquette?

Danielle Di-Masi: It's a really good question. When people hear the word 'etiquette' sometimes their eyes glaze over and they think: It's not the 1950s anymore, we don't need this – but it definitely is relevant. The reason why it's so important, particularly in the business world, is that it allows behaviours to be neutral. In business, lots of clients might have pet peeves and they might have certain behaviours that they expect you to have standardised. An analogy is when you're driving: On the side of the highway there are lots of things that you could crash into. Business etiquette keeps you neutral – in the middle of that highway – so you don't hit anyone's pet peeves or expectations. It's your behaviour that's neutral, not your personality.

K@ASB: At work, many people often fall over because they're on their best behaviour in the job interview, but after a few months in a job, they may get lazy, colleagues may be irritating, and knowing how to act is no longer so straightforward.

Di-Masi: Absolutely. You need to understand your environment and know what's appropriate. A perfect example perhaps is how to behave when meeting the Queen. On the Queen's website, in the 'Greeting the Queen' section, it says: "How do I greet the Queen?" And you expect to find a list of protocols, but all it says is that common courtesy is expected. Now, if that is all the Queen is expecting, then you should be able to apply common courtesy through your entire professional life. There are certain rules and behaviours that you should adhere to out of respect for people around you. For instance, a common pet peeve for people in the office is leaving a phone unattended so it rings and rings. Another is eating really smelly foods in the office. There are no defined rules or etiquette book to say "do not do this”, it's just common courtesy.

K@ASB: Meetings are potential etiquette minefields. People are bored or almost falling asleep, minutes seem like hours, and then suddenly they may be the focus of attention. What's the right way to behave in a meeting?

Di-Masi: I think it all comes down to purpose. Why are you there? Maybe you have to be there, so really engage. If you are falling asleep, then maybe you need to ask yourself if you're in the right job.You need to understand how your behaviours are being perceived. It's about not hitting any bunkers on the side of those highways. You have no idea what business opportunity is around the corner, and having certain behaviours that look negative in a meeting might make you hit one. Small things can be annoying in those informal meetings for coffee. A very common pet peeve is the 'tingle tingle' noise that people make when they stir coffee and milk into their cup. People can get very aggressive about it – one lady that I surveyed said that if someone did this in a meeting she would throw their coffee at them and walk out. So you can lose clients, you can lose business associates and break relationships in any meeting. Any meeting, informal or formal, is always a way to connect, grow, sell and benefit you. So you need to be clear on what the purpose is.

K@ASB: What about email? That seems to be where people just totally forget the rules. They may hammer out their thoughts in capitals or use text abbreviations. What's the etiquette for email?

Di-Masi: The environment in which we write business letters has changed, but it's still a letter. You wouldn't type a letter on perfect parchment paper, put it in a nice envelope, stamp it and just before you mail it, slam smiley faces all over it. So don't do it in an email either. I've done quite a bit of research, and over 40 per cent of people hate smiley faces in an email. We should have a good enough grasp of the English language that we can express light-heartedness without a smiley face. Of course, once your relationship goes down the line and you are comfortable, you might want to open that up – but not when you are building business relationships.

K@ASB: When you meet somebody for the first time, what are the rules?

Di-Masi: You've got seven seconds to make a first impression. One of the most important things that you can do to connect with someone is give a really effective handshake, especially with women in business and for men giving women handshakes. It should be firm and strong, and direct eye contact is very important. You don't need to look down at your hands – they will meet naturally.

The dead fish handshake is a very common pet peeve. If you think that you have a weak handshake, then practise with your partner, friends or business colleagues and get some feedback. Again in my research, more than 40 per cent of people said they would think less of someone professionally if they gave a weak handshake. Out of those people, another 25 per cent of people said that they would think less of the person personally. That's not a good first impression, and that's all in the first seven seconds.

You need to understand why you're there. For instance, at a networking event ask yourself: 'Why am I at this networking event? Am I here to get free food and drinks?' Fine, if you are, then you can stand in the corner with your food and your drinks. But if you are there to connect with people, then have a drink in your left hand so your right hand is always free to handshake. If a canap goes past but you're connecting with someone, then you need to make a decision on what your priority is at that moment. I'd say eat before you go to any function so you're not chasing those trays around all night.

K@ASB: But many people at business functions just hug the walls. Sometimes even very senior people hide away in a corner talking to their colleagues – who they probably talk to every day – and don't work the floor. If you are a nervous person who is not comfortable in social situations, how can you break the ice and talk to people?

Di-Masi: That's actually extremely common. Shyness is something that needs to be overcome, and that might be shyness at a networking event, shyness if you need to run a meeting or present or go into an interview. It's important to remember that those you're connecting with actually want you to do well. If you're nervous, that's only going to make the entire environment awkward. No one wants you to be awkward or nervous because they won't be able to connect with you either. Everyone wants you to do well. So a nervous person needs to get over that mindset by understanding there is no danger here and just push through it. Fake it until you make it.

K@ASB: Let's go back to the office. When you have been working with people for a few years, you can become quite familiar with them. What's the etiquette for what you should and shouldn't do – or talk about – in the office?

Di-Masi: That's a good one. Hugging is a very common etiquette mistake. You may have a relationship with someone where it's appropriate to hug them, but keep in mind there might be others in a meeting who could feel uncomfortable, alienated or left out by you doing that. Some people might just not like it. You'll know very quickly where the boundaries are. That's why it's always good to have your behaviour neutral and courteous, show respect and stay in the middle of that highway. You can't do wrong.

K@ASB: And gender differences, male and female?

Di-Masi: Common courtesy doesn't have a gender.

K@ASB: How about cultural differences?

Di-Masi: It's important to be aware of who you're dealing with. If you are dealing with Asian communities, Russian communities, American communities, then you need to understand what's appropriate for each. Some cultures find eye contact rude, whereas in our culture it would be rude not to make eye contact. Handshakes in some cultures are unacceptable, especially between genders. It's all about awareness and not pushing yourself, saying: "Well, that's just how we do business in Australia." Why are you there? Because you want to connect with this person, so you need to be respectful and have an awareness of what's appropriate. That's all it comes down to.

K@ASB: Finally Danielle, let's sum up the top do's and don'ts for getting on in the business world?

Di-Masi: I'd say number one, maybe because it's my pet peeve, is always giving effective handshakes. Whenever you meet with people, be very aware of how you communicate – especially in that first seven seconds because you want to make an impressive first impression. At networking events: Understand why you're there, your purpose, who you want to connect with, and make sure you do it. Third, no more smiley faces, no more acronyms in emails – that is, unless you're writing to your 15-year-old nephew. We all should use proper, full words. Overall, really consider your behaviours and how they're being perceived. Try to stay neutral.

Article courtesy of Australian School of Business.