THE LAST GASP: Damn good television

The Last Gasp is a wry take on the week's biggest stories, every week. This week, there's a drama on the TV about drama with the TV, Julia Gillard goes Bolly and hookers, people. Hookers.

Still the one – just

The future of the Nine Network was a mystery for most of this week, with speculation and conflicting media reports clouding a situation where not a lot was certain, even for those involved. The saga played out much like one of the dozen or so American police procedurals Nine airs on its network seemingly every night, except not as formulaic and actually entertaining. In the end, Nine emerged debt-free, in a complicated deal that saw hedge funds Apollo and Oaktree reportedly take over 95 per cent of the company, with second-tier lender Goldman Sachs taking the rest. Note the use of the term ‘reportedly', as official information was hard to come by with this story and all the official channels seemed to have a different take. The inconsistencies throughout the week show that either the media was untrustworthy, the sources used were or that nobody had any idea what was going on altogether. The one certain thing is that Goldman missed out on what it wanted from the deal, which apparently centred on around $60 million in warrants and the cancellation of Big Brother.

An ex-deal for the X men

If it was a good week for Nine (and you know it was, unless you skipped to this section), then rival Ten Network got the other end of the stick. Speculation rose earlier in the week over the future of Ten's $145 million deal with CHAMP Private Equity-owned Outdoor Media Operations over its subsidiary Eye Corp. The uncertainty surrounded claims OMO was unhappy after taking a look at Eye Corp's books. Ten was quick to shoot the rumours down, assuring the market that talks over the deal were ongoing. Two days later, OMO pulled out, sending Ten shares falling to their lowest ever point and making that last statement look rather silly. The media group maintained that though the deal was on ice, the parties were still in discussions over an amended agreement. After Ten revealed it had swung to full-year loss later in the week, it was easy to assume that the company may not have the upper hand in the negotiations.

Hookers

Yep, hookers. That's what was emblazoned across the top of The Australian earlier this week, amid fresh revelations surrounding the Craig Thompson scandal. A dozen of them, in fact. That's hookers, not revelations. Anyway, Fair Work Australia has launched civil action against the disgraced MP, amid claims he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars in union funds on prostitutes and other personal purchases while at the head of the Health Services Union. The charges join ongoing investigations by both the New South Wales and Victorian police, meaning that, rather than surround himself with the sleazy, moral-less bottom feeders of society as the allegations claim Thomson has done the past, he will now spend most of his time in the far worse company of lawyers.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

The federal government was literally falling over itself this week in a bid to improve its relations with India. Prime Minister Julia Gillard visited the sub-continent for high level talks, with the main focus being on a change in policy on trade in uranium between the two nations. The practice has been banned by the government in the past, due in part to India's refusal to sign the nuclear proliferation treaty. However, it now appears the country has become more trustworthy as the uranium money became too hard to pass up. Foreign minister Bob Carr claimed the Gillard visit is an example of the government's renewed focus on the big issues, and away from the empty debate over rhetoric that has plagued the political discourse in recent weeks. This, somewhat ironically, then became the political issue of the day. Carr was responding to claims from former PM Kevin Rudd that Australians wanted to hear politicians discuss important things instead of a continuing in a gender war. Carr said he was fully prepared to start ignoring unimportant things, and began by officially ignoring Kevin Rudd.

Thanks Andy D

The Finance Brokers Association of Australia washed its hands of the dodgy, low-document lending practices that plagued the years prior to the global financial crisis this week, by doing what the financial industry does best: making excuses. The FBAA said the practice was out of control during the period, driven primarily by banks in search of easy profits. It makes sense, of course, that the poor, innocent brokers only took up the practice after being forced by those damn banks, and finally explains that spate of injuries among brokers at the same time banks started jumping off cliffs. Despite the association's claims, the banking industry still insists the practice was not widespread, a view that is still supported by the Australian Securities & Investments Commission. The watchdog says it has never identified widespread evidence of such misconduct in the sector, after a thorough investigation led by the same men that ran the AFL's recent probe into tanking.

Quick misses

– Qatari Prime Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim al-Thani, whose country is a major shareholder in Xstrata, said the Middle Eastern nation was warming to the proposed Glencore-Xstrata mega merger. In saying that, the country experiences 45 degree heat every day, so it is pretty much warm to everything all the time.

– Cochlear chairman Rick Holliday-Smith has blamed concerns over the group's decision to award chief executive Chris Roberts more than $1 million in share options, despite the group's poor performance, on investor "confusion". It's a fair point - paying the dude so much money when the group went so badly this year does seem pretty confusing.

– The head of the federal climate change department, Blair Comley, told a Senate estimates hearing this week that a rise in the carbon price to $29 by 2015 was ‘not implausible'. He later compared it to other ‘not implausible' things like Labor winning the next election or Richmond making the finals.