BENIGN TO FIVE

During my school and university days, I reckon I wrote no less than 35 essays on Blade Runner. When it wasn't possible to write about the film directly, I would compare the central subject of my paper — the Australian Constitution, Robespierre's guillotine frenzy, Sylvia Plath's relationship with her father — with Ridley Scott's cinematic masterpiece.

About three essays in, I realised that Blade Runner contained every jewel of wisdom and philosophical insight I needed to succeed in life.

Take the whole eye motif as an example. The eyes, the film tells us, are a window to the soul. Who could deny that? How do you tell if a colleague is lying? Eyes. How do you tell if your boss is upset? Eyes (fire in theirs, spittle in yours). How do you tell if an interviewer fancies you? Eyes (specifically, one open, one momentarily closed).

But there are so many more lessons we can learn from the neon-blushed streets of 2019 LA that apply to the workplace: don't let old bosses lure you back to burdensome jobs by playing the societal status card; worried about broaching a sensitive subject with a workmate? Consider origami or matchsticks; when work takes you to a stripper's dressing room, disguise your true identity by employing a nasal "nerd" voice and saying you're from the union; if you need a vague memory verified, the boss' niece will be able to help; if you dream about unicorns, don't make too many long-term plans.

No idea what I'm talking about? Then it's time for a trip to the video shop.