All about skating on thin ice

IT'S entirely possible that ANZ's Mike Smith has heard of a chap called Steven Bradbury.

After all, since arriving in Australia, the affable Brit with the bulldog jowls has readily acquainted himself with all manner of Australiana.

He got to know our finest broking services, Lift Capital, Opes Prime and Tricom.

He had the best advisers money could find conduct a small inquisition, er, investigation, into ANZ's lending practices and found himself with an impressive billion-dollar write-down.

And now it appears he's taken the time to learn a little of his adopted country's Olympic history. Imagine our delight to learn Mike Smith has had his own Steven Bradbury moment.

Remember Bradbury, the chap who won this nation's first Winter Olympics gold by virtue of the fact that everyone he was competing against in the ice skating fell over? Inspiring stuff.

Well, now Smith's ANZ has joined one of the Dow Jones company's premier indices, the Banks Titans 30 Index.

Indeed, ANZ has been elevated to exalted status alongside the likes of his former shop HSBC, JPMorgan Chase and Bank of America.

It's a proud moment for Smith, regardless of his form leading into the race and how it came about.

Who are we to point out ANZ is replacing a bank from North Carolina called Wachovia?

Still, a medal is a medal.

Loose-leaf Page

It would appear Gerry Harvey isn't the only one in the Harvey household unclear on exactly how much he keeps where.

Gerry mused in these parts yesterday he wasn't sure if he'd lost $30 million, or maybe it was $40 million, on his recent stock tipping ventures.

Now better half Katie Page, who runs Harvey Norman, has taken a year to realise a $3 million sale of shares she declared hadn't actually taken place.

We'd have hoped she'd have noticed the bulge in her purse.

Still, $3 million in loose coin is easy to misplace when you own 17 million shares in your shop.

And it's amazing what you'll find during a stocktake.

Turns out "the off market disposal for both direct and indirect trade notified did not take place". In fact, "there has been no change to the total shareholdings, only the split between direct and indirect holdings".

$300m slip showing

A funny thing happened on the road to Damascus, #4261.

Death-row inmate Allco is showing admirable vigour in its disclosure as it stumbles towards oblivion, correcting a recent shareholder mail-out:

"The assets under management chart incorrectly stated the total figure for 30 June, 2008, was $13.4 billion whereas the correct figure was $13.1 billion," Allco fessed.

Imagine, Allco accidentally incorrectly accounting for $300 million. There's an irony there somewhere.

Here's shears to UBS

It's at about this point that the young guns at investment bank UBS may start feeling nervous.

Reports from gnome central suggest the Swiss bank with the proud record of the biggest losses from the credit crisis is planning to axe nearly 2000 jobs in its investment banking, equities, and fixed income units.

We'd hate to think the Chifley Tower gnomes don't feel part of the global empire and shouldn't take their share of the trimming. Word is the chaps at Ugly Balance Sheet may even write down a few more bill' just for good measure.

Still, it's unclear if the local gnomes are being offered "anxiety counselling", as one baffled Macquarie operative reported. It's all well and good for employees to get the counselling - but what about shareholders?

Back at the bottom of the garden, UBS will no doubt take heart from the latest league tables released yesterday showing them top of the pops. We suspect head office may be more interested in the column noting Australian M&A in 2008 so far is down 25 per cent. UBS's earnings are down 35 per cent. Caliburn rocketed to No. 2 with a bullet up from 21 at last outing.

Fuji Bank snaps

Gallows humour from the blogosphere doing the rounds.

Following the problems in the subprime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in Britain, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Show and telco

It hasn't taken long to Phil the very large vacuum created by the departure of former Telstra motormouth Phil Burgess.

With Burgess barely out of the country, a military style emergency supplies pouch arrived in the post labelled: "WARNING: You may have been exposed to dangerous Telstra myths. Please open to disarm."

A sucker for a game of pass the parcel, we took a peek inside and discovered a manual on Telstra Myth-Disarmament 101.

Sadly, your diarist experienced difficulty opening and understanding the manual as he was wearing the rubber gloves and earplugs included to protect readers against Telstra's lies.

We're assured the manual included 29 fascinating tips on Telstra myth-busting.

"Overexposure to these lies may lead to fits of disillusionment and monopolistic grandeur," the mob responsible, T4, explained. T4 is apparently a coalition of other telcos and internet providers not impressed by Telstra's enthusiasm for competition.